


like hands joined together

by fallingintodivinity



Category: The Left Hand of Darkness - Ursula K. Le Guin
Genre: Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Fix-It, Multi, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-10
Updated: 2018-03-10
Packaged: 2019-03-29 09:28:17
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,980
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13924254
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fallingintodivinity/pseuds/fallingintodivinity
Summary: All at once – there, at that last moment, no sooner – I realized what my selfishness and Estraven's silence had kept from me, where he was going and what he was getting into. I said, “Therem – wait – ”(The Left Hand of Darkness, chapter 19)





	like hands joined together

**Author's Note:**

> _The Left Hand of Darkness_ , chapter 19:
> 
> Away off in the southwest shone the yellow glimmer of a small town, some tiny Commensal Village of Orgoreyn, where Estraven could go with his unacceptable identification papers and be assured at least of a night's lodging in the Commensal Jail or perhaps on the nearest Commensal Voluntary Farm. All at once – there, at that last moment, no sooner – I realized what my selfishness and Estraven's silence had kept from me, where he was going and what he was getting into. I said, “Therem – wait – ”

 

 _Light is the left hand of darkness_  
_and darkness the right hand of light._  
_Two are one, life and death, lying_  
_together like lovers in kemmer,_  
_like hands joined together,_  
_like the end and the way._

\- Ursula K. Le Guin, _The Left Hand of Darkness_

 

 

“ _Therem,_ ” I said again, urgently. I caught his arm a split second before he could launch himself down the snow-covered slope; he tried to pull away from me, but I held on, and of the two of us, I am the stronger. Finally, he stilled, his compact frame slumping ever so slightly. When he finally turned his face toward me, I saw the confirmation of my worst fears in his dark face, calm and implacable even in the face of my naked fear and rising anger.

I shook my head, cursing myself for my foolishness, my willful blindness. One heartbeat too slow, and he would have been lost to me – would have skied downhill to certain death – and I knew without a shadow of doubt that then, I, too, would be lost.

“It is the best way,” he said, regarding me solemnly. “You must see the sense in it.”

“It’s not the only way,” I argued, shaking him roughly. “We did this together, Therem. _Together_. I will not – _cannot_ – see this to the end without you.”

Estraven shook his head. “And how long would you have us wait, Genry?” With his free hand, he indicated the border-guards at the bottom of the hill, little shadowy figures just barely illuminated by tiny faint pinpricks of lantern-light. I still had a death grip on his other arm.

“They will be there all night,” he said. “There is no way for me to get past them without them seeing me.” Raising a hand, he tenderly cupped my jaw. My teeth were chattering badly, and I was shaking almost uncontrollably. “You will not be able to stay out in the cold much longer without badly damaging your body,” he said gently. “Would you give up your mission for one man?”

 _Yes_ , I wanted to say, _yes_ , but we both knew that wasn’t true. My mission had to come first. And yet – and yet –

“You’re wrong.” I shook my head convulsively. “There is a way – we have something they need. _Me_.” I could feel my badly cracked, frozen lips curling into a triumphant smile. “They won’t shoot me. I’ll go down there, alone. I’ll do something – create a diversion, and when they’re not looking, you can slip by.”

“What kind of a diversion?” Estraven asked, dark brow creased in a frown.

“I’ll think of something,” I said. “It’s worth a try, at least. If I fail and you’re spotted, then,” I had to force the words out. “Then it’ll be the same outcome as if you’d gone down earlier anyway.”

He nodded slowly, reluctantly.

“Give me your word that you’ll try, Therem,” I pleaded. “I would not lose you. I – ” and here I hesitated, because any words I could form seemed inadequate to express what he had come to mean to me. We had touched minds, him and I, had made an insane, impossible journey across miles and miles of ice and snow, had been together through hunger and illness and injury, had fought the elements and won.

It was utterly inconceivable that I could lose him now, and it was with that belief still shimmering sharp and crystal-bright across my mind that I leaned forward, touching my forehead to his, and bespoke him. _I will see you again very soon, Therem. I promise._

He smiled at me then, a beautiful smile.

 _Yes_ , he replied simply.

 

***

 

Leaving Estraven alone at the top of the hill, I shakily skied my way downhill toward the border-guards. When they spotted me, they ran forward, shouting at me to stop. By that time, I was so cold and exhausted that it was barely an act for me to stagger forward and collapse at their feet. With Estraven’s safety still foremost in my mind, I did my best to shout as loudly and incoherently as I could, waving my hands around, yelling that I was dying, that I needed medical attention immediately.

The guards gathered around me, trying to pull me to my feet; I kicked and shouted and shoved their reaching hands away. One of them hurried away to call for a physician.

They finally managed to get me to my feet and drag me indoors. I heard no other noise or movement outside, and could only silently pray that Estraven had managed to cross the border into Orgoreyn unnoticed.

I was eventually taken to Sassinoth and imprisoned, but they treated me well, for a prisoner. I had fallen gravely ill from overexposure – Estraven had been right, as he usually is about most things, about my body not being able to withstand the cold for much longer. They sent in a physician, a young man, kind and with gentle hands. He sat with me while I shivered through a severe fever, and in my incoherent mumblings whilst in the grip of my illness I must have spoken about Estraven, because when I finally returned to myself, my cheeks were damp with tears and the young physician was looking at me with compassion.

“Harth rem ir Estraven is a good man,” he said quietly. “There are many who never heeded the accusations against him, Mr. Ai.”

I half sat up in bed, but my body was still weak from my illness, and I collapsed painfully back onto the hard mattress.

“Have you had news of him?” I managed to say, still struggling to catch my breath.

The young man shook his head slowly. “There has been no news of him on the radio. As far as everyone knows, the guards are still hunting for him.”

I let out a breath I hadn’t realized I’d been holding, relaxing back against the mattress.

“Sleep now,” the physician said, rising from his chair. “Your fever has broken, and you need the rest.”

I slept.

 

***

 

Some days later, I was summoned to Erhenrang by the king. As I was not yet fully recovered, my young physician from Sassinoth accompanied me to Erhenrang. It turned out that, impatient as I was to see Estraven again, there was still much I had to do before I could turn my attention to searching for my friend.

I made the necessary arrangements for the ship to land, and was then called to an audience with the king. I was no longer worried, not like I had been the first time. That first audience with Argaven felt like a lifetime ago; so much had changed since then. I informed the king of the arrangements I’d made for the ship’s landing, but although he was polite, he seemed distracted, almost disinterested. He looked diminished somehow, an older and sadder man.

“My lord,” I said as the audience drew to an end. “Will you revoke the Order of Exile on Estraven, to clear his name?”

“Not yet, Mr. Ai,” he replied. “Don't rush it. Anything more?”

“No more,” I said, and left the hall.

The knowledge that I was a hair’s breadth from fulfilling the mission I had come to Gethen for gave me a measure of satisfaction, but beneath that satisfaction ran a deeper sorrow; I had told Estraven that I would not bring the ship down until his banishment was revoked, but that was a promise that I was, in the end, not able to keep. There was no help for it; Estraven wanted this mission accomplished as much as I did, if not more.

I told myself I would not break the second promise I had made to him.

_I will see you again very soon, Therem. I promise._

 

***

 

The landing of the ship was a great event. But when the crew – my people – emerged from the ship, it struck me like a physical blow how strange they looked to me, men and women both, odd creatures in permanent kemmer…I stayed long enough to brief them on the most urgent details, but when we returned to the Palace, I had to go straight to my room, my eyes prickling and throat tight with a sudden overwhelming loneliness.

The young physician came in then, sat me down and gave me a shot of mild tranquilizer. I realized I was breathing fast.

“I have news of your friend,” he said under his breath, so softly that at first I wasn’t sure that I hadn’t imagined it. “He is in Mishnory.”

My breath caught. “He is well?”

He nodded. “As well as can be expected, I hear. He has a job, and a small lodging there.”

“Thank you,” I breathed, my heart swelling with gratitude. “How – ?”

“Like I said before,” he murmured, “not everyone believes your friend a traitor.” He smiled gently. “And – forgive me for presuming – but you seemed like you would welcome news of him.”

“Thank you,” I said again, taking both his hands in mine in the Karhidish gesture of friendship, “more than I can say. That news is more welcome than you can know.”

 

***

 

I left for Mishnory as soon as I was able. I was no longer considered an outlaw in Orgoreyn, of course; the ship’s landing had changed all that. The beginnings of spring were just reaching tentative fingers across the land, so while Mishnory was warm, it was nowhere near as sweltering as what I’d heard it usually is in the depths of summer.

I walked through the great Markets, bustling with people loading and unloading goods, rows upon rows of meats and produce of every color and size and smell imaginable. My friend the physician had told me Estraven had found a job somewhere in the Markets, but he was nowhere to be found.

I next tried the place where Estraven was supposedly lodging, in a small island about fifteen minutes’ walk from the Markets. To my surprise, the door opened on my first knock.

Estraven stood framed in the doorway, looking surprised. “Genry?”

I couldn’t speak for a moment, so overwhelmed was I at seeing my friend again. I looked him up and down, and smiled. He was still lean, much as he was after our journey across the Ice, but he looked well.

“Therem,” I said, finally. I couldn’t stop smiling, somehow. “I did promise that I would see you again soon.”

He smiled his otter’s smile. “That you did.”

“I thought you’d be at work,” I said, looking him over in concern. “Are you unwell?”

“Ah,” he said, slightly awkward. “No. I am in kemmer.”

“Oh,” I said, blinking. I barely knew what day it was, or what month, even; the time since I’d been taken to Sassinoth and Estraven had fled into Orgoreyn had passed in a blur of activity.

I thought of the first time he’d told me that he was in kemmer, back when we were crossing the Ice. Of what could have been, of the chance we’d been too afraid to take then. Of the chance we’d almost never had.

Estraven was eyeing me with a mixture of trepidation and something that looked very much like hope. At least – I prayed that I wasn’t misinterpreting his expression, or projecting my own desire onto him.

I took a breath, and smiled nervously at him. “May I come in?”

His smile was bright, welcoming; but there was something almost shy in his manner as he pulled the door open for me to step inside. As I shut the door behind me, he finally unbent and reached for me, pulling me close. As our lips met, I bespoke him a truth – _my_ truth – that I had held in my heart a long time now: _I love you, Therem Harth rem ir Estraven_.

_And I, you, Genry Ai._

It felt like coming home.

 

 

End.

 

**Author's Note:**

> I’ve followed the major events of the novel’s ending fairly closely (except for Estraven not dying, obviously). The physician’s line “There are many who never heeded the accusations against him, Mr. Ai,” and the dialogue between Argaven and Genly were quoted directly from the novel.


End file.
